The Collage of Photos

Today for the first time when I looked at the collage, did it dawn on me that this is no loner my life. This was my life. The goal is to see these photos and recall the joy I felt in the moment, that motivated me (or him) to document that moment. To archive its existence, to preserve it in time. It does represent him and my life with him – it’s the greatest hits. Those photos of him represent him throughout his life, and our life together. They show youth and energy, joy and laughter. Thoughtfulness, quirkiness, and mannerisms. Adventure, peace and solitude. Life transitions. Casual and low key days. Savoring moments with the family and long summer nights, fatherhood, playfulness.

Yet, for me, they also represent truth of what was occurring behind the photo, unbeknownst to others. The fatigue and willpower in the name of love to snowshoe on my 40th birthday. Emerging from isolation to rejoin the family on hikes when he couldn’t go previously. The work stress behind the gifts brought from business trips. The weight loss caused by healthier living, but also the crash.

This no longer represents my life. He is no longer in it. We are 3 not 4. I am truly grateful for the memories. I am also glad that most of these memories aren’t even from the “time before” – most are after the onset of his illness. I had joy despite the illness and the difficulties in our marriage. I loved him all throughout and I will love him forever.

But now I will love the memories he left me, the life he provided for me, the lives we created together. For these things I will forever be grateful. His death can rob me of a future with him, but it can’t rob me of those gifts. I will treasure them, always and strive to see them with joy for what they were rather than sadness are finite.